Haven’t posted for a while. Yeah. Sorry about that. Bet you were, like, totally bugged out and bumdragged to fuckton without my life-altering blog entries. Personally, I had a conniption fit just about every day everyplatewebreak went without an update. Yup, pretty sure it was the lack of blogging that did that. (On an unrelated note, I really do need to stop freebasing Toilet Duck. The highs are intense but it’s just so darned expensive.)

I’ve a few posts lined up so, to ease us in slowly, here’s an entry exploring the political reformation of western society in the 21st century. Wait – that’s not right. I was mistaking myself for someone else there for a minute. Happens a lot. Especially on Tuesdays. What I really have is a collection of yokels, dimtards and the generally bugnutty singing really quite poorly on YouTube. The artistes in these videos think they’re great, and I am great, so with so much in common why shouldn’t I post them? huh? HUH? Fuck you, bro.

It’s easy to mock and that’s why I do.

And where better to start than the Internet’s favourite schizophrenic sex pest, Shane Lee. In this video, Shane takes us on a veritable journey across 5 octaves of sheer vocal wonder.

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The poster of over 600 YouTube videos, Shane’s prolific output spoils the music lover (for choice; also: literally) with numerous cover versions. Check out the classic You Sexy Thing for a masterclass in incoherent rambling.

Chris Athey has me at a disadvantage. I am utterly and shamelessly in love with her. I adore her voice, her dress sense, the lonely pair of fugs in her cavernous mouth and the creeping nausea I get as she ploughs through Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ with all the charisma of a hazardous waste bin.

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Dave Matthew’s ‘Crash Into Me‘ has to be seen to be believed. That is *not* a compliment.

(cynically thieved from I Heart Chaos)

TheMainMeal’s YouTube contributions differ from the others featured here as they’re not the result of pure flagrent delusion. A high-functioning Asperger’s and Tourette’s sufferer, TheMainMeal leads us through his rendition of R.E.M.’s ‘Losing My Religion’ with infectious gusto. Watch this video to experience the song as Michael Stipe always intended – ‘That’s me in the corner/fuck shwee shupp pop swww’. Verrrrrry nice. Fucker.

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Gold (fucker).

For me, Tina Chen’s effort is all about the choreography. I’m serious – this version of ‘Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)’ is like a missing scene from Michael Jackson’s This Is It, only with more Demerol.

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Unfortunately for us red blooded males (and for the criminally deranged) the follow-up video in which Tina flashes her rotund udders has been taken down so you’ll have to make do with a performance of Robbie Williams ‘Angels’ (or Angles, as Tina would have it) set to a compilation of her own artwork. She truly is the queen of multimedia.

The Kersal Massive scare the pants off me. The bad-asinine trio’s lyrics are so controversial, so dangerous, so loaded with criminal intent that I can hardly type for fear. Their tales of smoking jazz woodbines, lying low and saving money on public transport loom large in their legend. Ill naughtiness – well dodgy.

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The pressure seems to have gotten to MC Mac, Ginger Joe and Little Fucking Kev – there are no more performances available to the public. So, by way of tribute, here’s Warby’s own salute to those bad, bad lads.

If you’re going to bury the truth, make sure it stays buried…

See? Now everyone’s happy.

Do they speak English on Hoth? English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Just the briefest of words to note that from now on my blog is here (at least, it’s here until it isn’t. Again.)

My previous blog is now kaput. The inept, indifferent ingrates over at [blog-city] thoughtfully refused to answer my increasingly fraught messages regarding some settings I’d ballsed up whilst fiddling with the site (picture Alan Partridge’s bored dismantling of his trouser press and you’re pretty much there). It was an error that resulted in the complete loss of posts, uploaded photos, media, etc. and one I hoped could be easily rectified.

HA!

My emails weren’t acknowledged, responded to, or, as far as I could tell, even read.

Bum.

I have no one to blame but myself, having actually paid the apathetic fuckers to host my blog with them – a mistake I’ll not make again (what with the large range of free blogging services available, many of which offering features absent from service provided by the myopic onanists at Cog-blity).

I’m currently whacking up all the old posts, a time-consuming process (made all the more infuriating by the apparent disappearance of all entries from 2008 and an article about the Clinton administration’s interest in Ufology, which itself brought the majority of traffic to the site but I DIGRESS) but soon I’ll start writing again and the sun will shine and dogs will bark and cats will miaow and the earth will spin AN’ THAT. ‘Til then, follow me @everyplate.

Ooooh yes, before I go, I’ve been designing lots of pretty things over at MySoti which you can find here. I love them and you should too.

Chipmunks? Prairie dogs? Try a real life gun totin’ master felon of the highest cal-ee-burr, jack.

Feel the terror.

You know, I used to worry about whether I was ‘hip’ or not. Whether I was ‘with it.’ Whether I was ‘in.’ Discovering a piece of awesomeness like this on YouTube, and digging it to the mostest, has confirmed once and for all that I’m awesome.

Awe-some.

This isn’t ain’t particularly new, but I thought that as a witty, intelligent and cultured citizen of future earth (come 2012, at least) you should know about this.

You’re welcome.

Enjoy. I certainly do.